Joy, unspeakable joy.
Anxiety on anxiety on anxiety. Sometimes that is what life looks like, every now and then, things just get a little rocky. There may not be a reason for it, but it happens. After a few mental breakdowns this semester, I finally realized, it is time to stop the constant worrying and frustration over the small stuff. I wish I could say all worries changed overnight and that my mind was at peace for forever and ever and ever, the end.
Unfortunately, it is not that simple. It is by no means "easy" to make yourself stop worrying. In fact, I could not make myself stop worrying on my own. This is where I have to give the steering wheel to someone else.
This first year of college has completely flipped my world upside down. Nothing is the same anymore, my plans are not the same, I will be moving in just a few months, I am crossing oceans for the first time this summer and going to Uganda. WOW, last year me would have run and hid if that girl knew what was in store for this year. FEAR used to be so prevalent, and yes it still exists, I am scared, scared for what is next and how I will adapt to it all.
What I know now, is that fear is not from the Lord. Fear is from the enemy. Therefore, me sitting here trying to figure out the root of fear, will not take away fear. There were sleepless nights and failed tests, and finally after sharing what had been overtaking my mind, I was able to be told to turn to God. I knew this already, what was wrong? Why wasn't my mind calm and at peace at all times? Well, as I have mentioned before, but this bears repeating, life with Jesus does not mean life without struggles, it means going through life alongside someone who has been there and who understand sorrow, he understands anxiety, he understands the tears, the sleepless nights, the failed test. HE ALREADY KNEW THOSE THINGS WERE COMING.
This has been a year full of growth. Sitting down, reading the Bible, writing down prayers, trying to take in these last few month before moving away, those are the things that bring joy. Anxiety festers more and more if you do not put those thoughts out of your hands. It is not easy, but try casting your worries on someone greater. Say a prayer, write one down, have conversations with the one who created you. For me, that is joy, knowing I am not in control. I do not expect my world to be seen through rose colored lenses but, it is alright to have good and bad happening at the same time, so it is time to not dread the bad every second but turn to the good, and turn to the one who created the good, not the bad.